Thursday, March 15, 2012

I'm Back

Well, I didn't really go anywhere.  But after my last post, I was on a "writing roll" and had so much on my mind that I wanted to share.  I started typing away and prepared two posts that I had planned to share with everyone.  Then something happened.  Not sure what it was, but I suddenly started to feel very exposed and not wanting to share anymore.

I had to really think about it for a while and I was discussing my uncertainty with a friend one day, trying to explain to her how I was feeling.  I couldn't exactly figure it out, but she was able to help find what it was that was making me uncomfortable.  I felt like I was bragging.  It's sort of weird to feel like you are bragging about not buying yourself anything, but in a way, that is what I feel like I am doing by talking about it.  I could have decided to do this fast and not mention it to another soul in the world.  Truly, no one would have to know.  Not even my husband.  He'd just think I'd had a stroke or an alien had taken over my body when, week after week, I just wasn't buying anything for myself.  So I had to dig deep and think about what my motivation was for choosing to share.  Initially I shared the idea with Amy, and she is someone I talk to on the phone while I'm using the bathroom (well, not a lot, but if necessary), so it wasn't odd to share it with her.  But exposing myself to everyone else was a different story.  Did I feel like I needed approval?  Did I want you all to know how disciplined I can be?  Or how self-aware I am? Ha!!  I have no idea...because I do not think I am either of those.

My friend said something to me that has resonated -- "sometimes God wants us to be uncomfortable."  So I have worked through my discomfort for the last two months -- I can't believe it has been that long -- and I have decided to keep writing about the fast.  I am not bragging.  I am not disciplined.  I am not self-aware.  I am just an average person trying to be the best me that I can be.  And along the way, I might have a crazy idea every now and again and want to share with others for whatever reason!  I hope my motivations are genuine, and I think they are.  I am hoping that others will find ways to challenge themselves too and find ways to grow into the you God wants you to be.  We can always keep growing.

That's where I've been, and I'm excited to say that I'll have more posts coming soon (including those that I wrote back in January).  The fast is going very well and I have not purchased anything for myself since I had to buy the new running shoes.  Though I admit I did have a dream about buying a dress...and I'm happy to report that I walked away with no dress in hand!